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Confessions of an Occasional Lunatic

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

1:52PM - Not doing well today

I've yet to get my usual hormone spike that shows up with the menstrual fairy. I've had improvement, but there's nearly always a spike. This time it was more like a bump. Today feels like shit.

There was this mean old lady at a restaurant during our trip, and I swear if my hormones freeze in bitch-mode or something when I hit menopause, I'm going to feed myself to the wolves. I hate life right now. Not for any reason, just stupid piddly shit not going right. Argh I don't want to do this any more. Knowing it would go away was what got me through it. Now my mantra is broken and I don't know what to do.

What if I get stuck like this?

Monday, July 18, 2011

1:47PM - Lazy Day

I hadn't scheduled today as a Lazy Day, but here I am, still in my jammies, re-reading my old LJ posts. Weird.

Monday means we get our weekly assignments for the Sociology class, so I meant to spend the day reading for that. Oh, I got an A in that stupid Chem class. Woohoo! And I got accepted to the Honors College, did I mention that? It has a whole list of perks, but the ones I care about are A) I get to enroll in classes two weeks before everyone else (MAJOR big-deal at my school), B) I'm automatically applied for several scholarships, no extra work on my part, and C) when I apply for the Nursing program, it'll be like a big gold star on the application. I've got five classes this fall, but I managed to get everything scheduled so that most days I'll be here to see the kids off to school, and nearly always home when they get off the bus. The kids start school a week before I do, so I'm pretty much good to go.

Youngest got a Kinect for the Xbox with her birthday money, and we got her a game for it. It comes with this "adventure" game, also, and I tried it out last night. For like, 5-10 minutes. My legs are killing me. Bad. I can't stand up or sit down without support, otherwise my exhausted thigh muscles just flop. Seriously, OW OW OW.

I think I'll go shower now.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

4:26PM - Noo-nee-noo

I'm scarce because the fifth Song of Ice and Fire book came out, and while I am online some, every spare minute is spent listening (because OMG they released it on audio AND Audible the same day as the hardcover!)

Life is actually pretty fine lately. I'll add the silly details later. :)

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

10:16PM - I love rum!

(This is me, NOT putting that as my Facebook status!) ROTFLMAO

Monday, May 30, 2011

12:57PM - Oh. Goody.

It's looking like I'm going to have another hard cycle. :( I'm due to start in 4-6 days, depending on how I translate my chart. If it's six it's going to be really nasty and require drugs and lots of hiding under the covers in bed; if it's four it won't be fun but it won't be completely debilitating.

I can tell because yesterday I had a few brief, short periods of melancholy. And this morning I'm anxious. Way too early for this; if I'm at this level now it just nose-dives until I start bleeding. Thank you, charting, for allowing me to see this arc in my head. No, really, it's good that I can anticipate it. Warn my family to stock the bomb shelter and prepare to take cover, yk? And make sure I have plenty of chocolate and rum and vicodin.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

5:48PM - Yep, It Was Indeed a Field Trip

I am so freaking exhausted. It actually went pretty well. The teacher that hates me wasn't there, and her sub completely ignored me. I got paired up with another mom who is also a smoker and we got along great, plus one of our kids didn't show up either, so it was just three kids to watch between the two of us. Pffft - keep an eye on one and a half kids? I can do that in my sleep. In my medicated sleep, even.

Youngest really enjoyed having me along. She sat with me on the bus even though I asked if she'd rather sit with her friends. "No! I want to sit with YOU!" *love*

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

9:04AM - Finals

Spanish final - check.
Math final - check (with a 100%!)
Comm final this afternoon. (I really should be studying.)

Tomorrow I am going on a field trip with Youngest. Yes, I volunteered out of guilt, because spending an entire day with a bunch of fourth-graders on a bus the day after my finals are over doesn't sound like fun in any sense of the word. Especially since Youngest's teacher is the Queen of Anal Retention and has organized the whole thing, AND she hates me (even more so since I missed the IEP meeting yesterday because of my final) AND it means I get to ride the bus with all the kids OH JOY.

But Youngest really needs some special attention right now, and this is a good way to do it. And I will enjoy spending time with her. Just not the rest of it!

Then I'll get about three weeks off before my summer classes start. I had hoped to finagle a trip to Harbin in that time (OMG I so need Harbin right now!) but I don't see it happening. Dh took the time off work, but the transmission in his car needs replaced and that's going to cost a lot more than expected. Plus my car needs new shocks and tires before it can manage a road trip, so that means I need even more than the usual amount to fund the trip. I could still conceivably do it, but it would mean paying on credit. Not a good plan right now, considering the stupid college loans I just took out. And the car's still not paid off. And there's no way in hell we're going to be able to start eating into the second mortgage now that we're paying dh's rent.

Ah well, at least this way I can work on the house.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

10:03PM - Live Momma, This One's For You (and it's gross!)

My kids have been rather irresponsible about putting the dogs away at night (the little yappy one gets to sleep in the boys' room, but only if he's tied up because otherwise he sneaks off to poop somewhere - I have no idea why the leash stops him - and the walking carpet goes in her kennel because otherwise she gets into the trash and sometimes the laundry hamper, and lately the cat food.)

So, she got into the cat food the other night, and then had a really fun 24-hour-bout of bloody diarrhea. We thought at first it was a 3-day bout, until the kids actually cleaned up her poo and realized that the red wasn't blood.

It was a sock.

"I ate a sock!"

4:58PM - Can't Talk, Must Brain

Finals, finals, finals, finals, finals, finals, finals, finals, finals, finals.

*looks up long enough to blink and peer blearily at children*

Finals, finals, finals, finals, finals, finals, finals, finals, finals, finals.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

10:40PM - Head -> Desk -> x100

I'm doing this paper for my English 102 class. You may remember my previous rant about it. The final is due Friday morning. I have to turn in the final edit of the paper, an annotated bibliography, and three freaking pages of single-spaced cover letter discussing our writing process. (What kind of masochist is she? She's going to have to read fifty or so of those!)

I am done with the final edit. I just finished the annotated bibliography. I'll do the cover letter tomorrow. Things are going well.

Except, I can't come up with a decent title. While brainstorming a little bit ago, I thought of "two sides of the same coin" and googled it just to see what popped up...


*beating head against wall* I don't even freaking know where to add that to my paper! I'm just gonna pretend I didn't see it. But then if I use the title, and SHE googles it, it might look bad. Kinda like plagiarism.

I think I'm just going to go with "I Still Don't Get It: Exploring the Differences of Muscle Dysmorphia and Anorexia Nervosa."

Or maybe even "Are You Fucking Kidding Me?"

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

10:46AM - You Should Encourage Me to Smoke

I was doing some thinking last night (it was totally by accident, I swear) and I had a realization about my smoking. It's got something to do with my TS-brain. (Remember that diagram I drew up?) Anyway, this is hard to explain, because it's just this weird feeling, but I realized that "smoking" is stuffed very firmly on my "right side." That's the no-no side, the one where the TS monkey lives. So, I've got "smoking is bad, smoking is icky, smoking is gross, never ever do it!" stuffed down there next to the monkey.

Now, I'm not trying to say that the only reason I smoke is because I have TS, but there's something going on there. I can feel it. Whenever someone tells me to quit, or when I think about the reasons to quit, I have this really visceral reaction. It's physical in some ways, but my brain also always goes "Oh JEEZ why did you have to say that?" There's this hammering feeling.

Also, if I play it the other way and lie to myself about how awesome and healthy and sweet-smelling it is to smoke, or on the rare occasions I meet someone who has something positive to say about smoking, it feels "lighter." There's more of a balance. How weird does that sound? It's so hard to describe, I don't feel like I'm making any sense.

If I think about how it would feel if everyone I knew and everyone I met, and everything I read and heard about smoking were encouraging, I get this tippy, tilting feeling, and my right side feels lighter. Then I realized that's the way it feels when I smoke a cigarette - like I'm more balanced, like things even out.

This is going to take some work. *ponders*

Friday, March 18, 2011

5:27PM - Now It's Over *grateful sigh*

What a fucking week. I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I got about 3.5 hours of sleep last night because I had to stay up so late finishing that damn English paper. I'm afraid my cover might have been a bit too glib, since I wrote it at 2am... Oh well, it's her own fault; she did encourage us to write her a letter, starting with "Dear Teacher," so if she wants me to treat her like a friend, she shouldn't be surprised when I text her and ask her to come out for drinks. (J/K)

I'm still sore but the anxiety's better. Walking's better, too.

The boys are arguing right now. I'm about to get out the duct tape.

I need to go do something about supper. All I really want is to call Dominos and scream "OMG PLEASE SAVE ME!" but they wouldn't deliver anything That Kid could eat, so there's no rescue. Cereal makes a good supper, right? It's vitamin-fortified...

Finally, I am slightly annoyed (though not really surprised) that I posted cluegirl's awesome "feminist" post on my FB, and only one person on my f-list read it - everyone else just harassed me about my use of the word "fuck." I should just delete all the ones who complained LOL! Obviously they don't know me well enough to be on my f-list.

*ponders a bit* Yeah, okay, fuck it all. I'm taking the night off. I'm exhausted, my brain is fried, and I'm done for the day. I'm gonna go drive-thru... somewhere... and get food, and then I'm getting in my jammies and we'll watch Big Bang Theory all night.

The End.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

6:53PM - It's Over Now, Right?

Please tell me this week isn't just the lead-in for worse. I'm done already, I can't take any more.

Honestly, things are not that bad, I do realize that. It's just tiresome stuff and stressful stuff. What with all the shit going on yesterday, I forgot to transfer cash to my other account to cover a charge that's supposed to go through today. And I didn't remember about it until tonight, so it's just going to have to wait until tomorrow. I also forgot that I had homework for Spanish, but the teacher's going to let me turn it in tomorrow with no penalty, because normally this type of assignment is completed in-class and even having forgotten it, I should have been able to at least do part of it during class today, only everyone else just finished theirs so she didn't give us in-class time. I still hate that I forgot it, though, ugh.

Got the doggies taken care of today. Cocoa is not chewing off her bandages (she had her freaking dewclaws removed, finally!) which is a damn miracle all by itself. Unfortunately, I'm supposed to keep the bandages dry, and it's been raining and snowing all day. So now I get to wrap her paws in saran-wrap every time she needs to pee. Baldric is being amazingly well-behaved, considering he had "several" molars pulled. Granted, he's on pain meds, too, but he's such a weird little dog I figured he'd be the type to get grouchy and mean on pain meds.

Unfortunately, while carrying Baldric's kennel into the vet clinic, it caught on the edge of the door frame, and I fell on it. Not like, all the way down to the ground, because I couldn't actually fall onto the ground since my thigh wedged up against the kennel, and the kennel was wedged against the door frame, but my full weight ended up getting slammed into the kennel.

This is the same thigh I broke when I was 12. I've realized in the past couple of years that I still have some minor issues with it, just slight anxiety and "babying" it, and I've been working on correcting my posture so that I don't treat that leg like it's made of glass. Well, apparently re-injuring it near the original break ramps everything up to "major anxiety" instead. I didn't notice it right away, just kinda thought "Oh fuck, I hope that doesn't wrench my back," but when I got out to the car, my hands were still shaking. I felt sick and horrible all the way to classes (45 min. drive) and I thought I was going to puke at one point, but I didn't. I was able to calm myself down a little, just talking to myself and reminding myself what was history and what was now, stuff like that. But my posture is screwed up again, and I keep limping if I'm not thinking about it, trying to baby it like I did when I first got off crutches.

And every time I am reminded of it because I move my leg or brush up against something (since it's a hell of a bruise) I just want to burst into tears. I keep remembering that completely helpless feeling I had after I broke it, that knowing that I was just completely screwed and that I was going to die if people wouldn't help me. I mean, even then I knew and expected that they would help me, my mother was absolutely frantic with trying to help me, but this feeling went deeper than that - I was broken and completely dependent, and it was just all so scary. I want to call my mom, or better yet just go over to her house and get a hug, but she and my dad have their own major issues over my break, and they'll just get all worked up if they know it's still something that can upset me after all this time.

*sniffle* /whine

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

9:21PM - My Kids Are So Freaking Awesome

So, today was shitty (see my earlier post.) It remained shitty most of the day. The nice fat cherry-on-top was having to watch myself give my speech in comm class. Oh yes - they very kindly videotaped me giving my speech, so that I could watch it and turn in a self-critique.

I cannot stress this enough: I FUCKING HATE SEEING MYSELF ON VIDEO. It makes me physically ill. On my list of "things I'd rather do," holding a tarantula in my palm is higher than watching myself on video. Also getting in a minor car crash, cleaning public toilets for eight hours, and peeling off a toenail. Apparently it's not higher than "getting a bad grade," though, because while I did seriously consider just skipping the assignment, or turning in a well-written report about why I couldn't watch it, or even just faking a report, I couldn't do any of those things either.

I put it off as long as I could, had a rum & coke, and enlisted the kids to watch it with me for moral support. I had to pause it shortly after it started because I thought I was going to puke (false alarm). Fucking horrible, I hated the whole thing. I should have opted for Vicodin, and I am SO not joking.

Anyway, I mentioned that my kids are awesome, and here's where that part comes in. Afterward, That Kid asked me why I was so upset about it (he could tell) so I explained how it made me feel in nice grown-up, emotionally healthy words. He replied "it must feel like looking in a mirror and seeing a zombie.” (This is his way of saying I “saw something scary” in the mirror.) I replied sarcastically, “Oh, thanks, now I’m a zombie?”

His response? “No, Mom, you’re not the zombie - you just see a zombie in your reflection.”

*blink blink* OH. I get it.

Dude, where did you come from you little genius??

A little later Oldest and Other Kid offered their opinions on my "performance," and we were talking some more about my anxiety over watching myself. Somehow that led to lots of other stuff, and we ended up talking about Big Bang Theory and then prostitutes who steal your wallet (I am not making this shit up.) Then they all four decided to line up and give me big, long hugs and tell me I was the best mom in the world.

Now I get to go to bed after my stupid-shitty day feeling all warm and fuzzy. *love*

7:10AM - I'm Allowed

I'm allowed to feel shitty, and it okay to cry over something minor and stupid. The fact that the rest of world has WAY worse problems is beside the point. I don't have to feel guilty for getting this worked up about something so unimportant.

I forgot to tell Youngest not to feed the dogs this morning, so I have to cancel their dentals today and re-schedule. I just wanted to be able to get it done, and out of the way, and checked off my to-do list.

And yes, I actually started crying when I realized this. Dammit.

Monday, March 14, 2011

9:31PM - As Long As I'm Ranting

Here's the relevant bits of the email I received yesterday. I'll bold the parts I found particularly amusing.
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Really, I get that people hate smoking, and I try very hard to be polite about it. But there's only so far I'm willing to take it, when everyone else gets to be rude and thoughtless and kill the environment in their own unique pursuit of life. I mean, really - you don't bug me about my smoking polluting the air, and I won't bug you about your Prozac-piss polluting my ground-water.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

9:56PM - College Is Going To Kill Me

...but not for the usual reasons, oh no. It's going to kill me when my head explodes from Teh Stoopid I'm supposed to be bowing and scraping before.

So, I'm taking this English 102 class; I think I've mentioned it before? Right. We have one single, semester-long project, and the second draft is due tomorrow. I spent all day working on it. My topic is eating disorders. (Like the irony?)

The more I research this, the more I'm thinking that the reason our country has such a high rate of eating disorders doesn't actually have much to do with sexy pinups getting skinnier and the rise of fast food and school cafeterias serving junk food. Yes, that has something to do with it, but the more I dig the more fucking sexism I find. And half of it is masquerading as feminism, how's that for a trick?

It's making me feel crazy, because I keep thinking I must be reading things wrong, or finding the wrong stuff, or stuff that's old, but then in my search to prove that the fucking asshole whose well-meaning book I just read was an anomaly I discover that he's considered the King of Feminist Thinking in Eating Disorder Land.

So, I have to narrow the topic down anyway, and I think I've got it: I've finally found recent research and people who are currently, like today, trying to get the DSM-V to reflect a more gender-balanced view of eating disorders - they're the ones who are trying to get extreme bodybuilding accepted as an eating disorder, like a form of anorexia (when the criteria are met, of course.) Let me stress something here - I'm talking about men who are every bit as obsessed about making their muscles bigger as anorexic women are with making their bodies smaller. When these men talk about their bodies, their words are absolutely indistinguishable from the words of an anorexic woman.

This is not going to happen, though. I still don't have a clear picture of WTF is going on, but they're not adding it to the DSM-V; they're just changing some other shit like categorization of something else called "muscle dysmorphia." It looks like a political shell game from where I'm standing, but what do I know?

Now, here's the best part: The folks who came up with this new type of eating disorder, the one that some bodybuilders have? (I spent an hour looking for this article today.) They originally came up with it to describe FEMALE BODYBUILDERS, AND THEN ONLY APPLIED IT TO WOMEN.

I swear I have to be missing something here. I HAVE to be dammit!!

Granted, other people have taken this and are trying to apply it to the male bodybuilders, too (much to their extreme disgust, of course) but I still can't get over the details. This is what it looks like to me:
Researcher the First: "La la la, it's the start of a new century, and I'm going to do some research on steroid use in women who like to lift weights... What's this? Me thinks these ladies might have an Eating Disorder! I should create a name for it! And also they possibly have a Completely New type of body dysmorphia, for which I shall also create a name! And hey, while I'm at it, I'll make up a name for their manly behavior, too!"
Some Other Researcher: "Um, excuse me, dude, may I just point out that a lot of male bodybuilders fit the criteria for your new eating disorder?"
Yet Another Researcher: "Oh fuck, I think he's right."
The Bandwagon Researcher: "Uh, guys, we should maybe do something about this..."
EVERYONE ELSE: "You dare suggest that these masculine male men could possibly have something in common with those disgusting ugly stupid women who starve themselves and puke up everything they eat? STONE THEM! BEAT THEM WITH STICKS! SET THEM ON FIRE!"
Other Researchers: "Ah! Ah! We give! Uncle, uncle! We take it all back!"
EVERYONE ELSE: "Good, that's good. Back to your kennels now, and I'll give you a cookie. It's called 'muscle dysmorphia.' Do you like it?"
Other Researchers: "MmNm! Yes thank you so much, it's delicious!"

This is why it's so much easier to just convince myself that I'm actually too stupid for college. Because the possibility that I might actually be smarter than the people in charge of everything is just fucking beyond annoying.

I'm totally just reading this shit wrong, right? Right??

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

10:49PM - He's Smarter Than Me

Today was very busy. And cramping while busy just makes life tiring and frustrating. The good news is: the dogs are going in next week for their dentals, my kids have eyes and can see with them, and we have groceries and chicken feed. Oh, and MRB is short one troublesome tooth. Also, the soon-to-be-dad has been informed that a Britax Roundabout 55 is really not going to fit his newborn very well, but at least it's correctly installed.

I yelled at Oldest today, near the end of this insanely long day (I swear, it felt more like three days. Tomorrow's Friday, right?) I only yelled once, then got hold of myself and just talked, explaining why I was upset and that basically it wasn't his fault, and I was just apologizing with an explanation for my outrageous behavior.

Oldest, being Oldest, got confused, but he does want to understand, so he replied "Okay, so what you're saying is that I was being blah blah blah..." I interrupted him and started to explain again that he hadn't actually done anything wrong, when Other Kid interrupted me with the most insanely brilliant thing I've ever heard come out of his mouth.

"OLDEST!" he said firmly. "Think INSIDE the box!"

My jaw fell open and I proceeded to point at OK and gibber disconnected phrases like "That!" and "Yes!" and "OMG... genius!"

Because that is not only a perfect summation of precisely what Oldest was doing at that moment, it's a perfect summation of the way Oldest thinks ALL THE TIME. He always thinks "outside the box," and only thinks "outside the box," and he rarely considers what's INSIDE the box before rushing around outside exploring all the angles no one else has even considered.

And, it worked! Oldest stopped for a few seconds, thinking, and then said "Oh, I get it! You're just tired because you've had a busy day."

Oh my dog, the sun shines glorious upon us.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

4:14PM - Woohoo Income Tax Return!

We got our income tax return. I paid off the last of our credit card debt today! I'm ridiculously excited about this.

After dh comes home we'll work out what to do with the rest of it, but most of it is going to go towards my car. It'll be paid off by May at the latest! Then we can start chunking away at the stupid 2nd mortgage on the house; we should be able to have it gone in about 2.5 years - so by the time dh retires, we won't have any debt but the house payment.

We're going to start paying the kids for their good grades, get both dogs dentals, fix my windshield, and maybe I'll get to finish my tattoo.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

11:29AM - So, I Have Kids

It's been a while since I've posted about my kids.

Youngest flipped off a teacher the other day. I did my absolute best not to indicate my pride of this in ANY way to her! But hey - my baby-girl flipped off a teacher. *grin* (The teacher punished her for not eating her breakfast, which she didn't finish because she didn't like the egg-sandwich-thing.) I acknowledged that her anger was totally okay, and agreed that it didn't seem like a fair rule, and confirmed that flipping off a teacher is disrespectful. She had to stay in from recesses that day. I decided that was a reasonable consequence, signed the form, and sent her off to school.

So yeah, my daughter flipped off a teacher. *cheesy grin*

Along those lines, I'm sitting on my own hands, not flipping off her teacher (different person). Youngest's teacher got her copy of the report from the neuro-eval last week. Youngest hasn't had homework since then. Yep - this woman, who has known since the beginning of the school year that DD had special needs and needed her IEP re-written to reflect those needs refused to offer those accommodations for over half the school year just because they weren't written down on paper. She's spent this entire school year tormenting DD with excessive amounts of schoolwork and homework, making her feel like she's stupid and slow, convincing her that there was no reason she shouldn't be able to keep up if only she "tried harder"... just because she didn't have a stupid piece of paper. (Keep in mind, this piece of paper says NOTHING that we haven't already discussed at the multiple parent-conferences and IEP meetings.)

I really, really want to just walk into the school and bitch-slap that woman.

What I AM going to do is email both the teacher and the principal on the last day of school and let them know what I think of how it all went. DD will be going to a different school at that point, so worries about retribution. I do get that the paperwork is important, and I get that her hands are tied with requiring it. But I also know she does have some freedom in making assignments, and there was absolutely no reason to put DD through all that just because it takes a few months to get the appointment and the results.

That Kid is doing really well; he's getting tested for an IEP also (finally - I think I posted about that earlier) so he'll have accommodations in place starting Jr. High next year. Doing well with his med, making some progress in learning to cope with his anxiety. Seems weird to post about the kids and not have much to say about him!

Other Kid is in another play this year; it opens next weekend. He's a "greaser." SO cute!! He's also involved in his high school's "nerdfest" club, which is basically a bunch of guys who get together at lunch to play D&D. But he still makes up role-playing games to play with his siblings at home, and he likes to make them up instead of using pre-made games, so he can customize the games for younger players (like MRB's kids, when they were here, and his sister) and so That Kid can draw the maps for it.

Oldest is in tennis this year. I'm not sure if he's totally into it; he seems to have decided he's going to try out for a different sport every year just to try them all out. It's so much fun watching him become a man. He's still figuring out so many social things, but he's putting a lot of effort into it. I gave him an "experiment" the other day, to try to ease at least some of the arguing between him & That Kid, and it seems to have worked! I just told him to "be kind" and then report the results to me later that day. Putting into the context of an "experiment" really appealed to him, so I'm going to keep doing that.

Anyway, the whole house is waiting for me to shower so laundry can be done, so I'm off to do that!

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